Reflections and Ramblings--Assistant Minister Pastor Dan Wilkie
I have long believed that one of the greatest ways that we show love
and respect to those around us is by listening objectively without
bias, but it is amazing just how seldom we really do it. In a
communications workshop I attended many years ago while working at the
phone company, one of the statistics I found somewhat alarming was
this: most people reported biased listening 95% of the time, the other
5% divided up with 2% tuning out the other person all together, and
the remaining 3% truly listening objectively.
Think about this: only 3%
of the time is someone actually listening without bias to what we say.
Trained listeners like doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and
ministers, as might be expected, scored much higher, but still
reported that 50% of the time they experienced biased listening.
Some of the reasons cited
for biased listening were obvious things, like stuttering or other
speech impediments, while others were not quite so overt. Many people
reported that, rather than listening, they were more concerned with
defending something they assumed might need defending, or thinking
about answers to questions that had not been asked yet. Others just
did not connect because the person speaking was speaking from one of
three different learning styles, such as emotional/sensual, visual,
and auditory, which was opposite of theirs.
To understand this last
piece a little more, think about how you gather most information. If
you prefer to read emails for instance, you probably learn visually,
and you might have a difficult time being heard, listened to and
understood if you are talking to a person who is “emotional/sensual.”
Your conversation might go something like this: “What is it about this
proposal you just don’t see? I have been trying for the last hour to
show you how it will work?” The other person might respond with
something like, “I just don’t have a sense of what it is all
about...it just doesn’t feel right anyway.”
Notice the key words
here, in the first part of the conversation. They are see, and show
(visual words), and in the second part sense, and feel
(emotional/sensual words). So the way this works is that when a visual
person, for instance, hears words like sense and feel they
sub-consciously shut their hearing down, and the same goes for the
emotional/ sensual person who hears words like see or show. These
kinds of issues make it very difficult to have productive
conversations, because people soon get bogged down in semantics which
lead to frustration and arguments. However once people become aware of
the differences and learn to listen and focus on the subtle cues and
key words it becomes easier to understand the other person.
Since we are called in
the church to build community we need to take extra pains to make sure
our communications with one another are as loving as possible. Just
how do we do this?
First, we can try to see
the truly good side of each other and realize that we are all
struggling to live as Christ calls us to live. Second, we can see that
each of us brings special gifts, and that each gift and each talent is
equal, just maybe a lot different. This is the diversity that unites
us. Third, we can truly seek to become sensitive to the places where
others might be coming from, listen for the cues they give us, and
seek to understand them from their point of view without defending our
own. Lastly we can remember that we are all God’s children, none of
whom are perfect, and seek to forgive as much as we seek to be
forgiven.
Blessings, Dan
"GROWING YOUR CHURCH BY REACHING YOUR MISSION FIELD"
For those of you,
who have been concerned about church growth,and who missed the
workshop presented by Rev. Hal Youngblood, the Rocky Mountain
Conference Consulting Conference Minister in May, or who felt the
workshop he led was too short, you have another opportunity to explore
the subject of church growth. .
On November 5, 2007 our
church is hosting one of three Rocky Mountain Conference workshops led
by the Rev. Paul Nickerson. Rev. Nickerson is a 27-year ordained
minister on the staff of the Massachusetts Conference, owner of his
own coaching company, and a Sr. Associate with Griffith Coaching of
Denver, working with churches all over the country. Check-in 3:30 pm,
with the workshop concluding by 9:00 pm. Rev. Nickerson will offer
practical strategies--based on mission--to help the congregation grow.
Anyone from the church who is interested in attending needs to contact
Pastor Dan at the church 242-0298 or by email dan@firstcongregational-ucc.org
ASAP...The workshop is designed to help UCC congregations understand:
· How to align themselves with the community around them. · How to
network in the community.
· How to develop church teams to reach out in powerful new ways.
