"Avoiding 'I' Problems"
                                  January 14, 2007
   Dan Wilkie, TEI Graduate, Assistant Minister      

Scripture Readings:  Isaiah 62: 1-5, I Corinthians 12:1-11

Writers for centuries have used marriage to signify the greatest and most wonderful parts of relationships, or relationships themselves.  And it is no wonder, nothing else can come close to the ideal dreamed of and hoped for between people of all nationalities, genders, and religions.  What writers often portray, unfortunately, is a dreamy pie in the sky kind of marriage, where everything is wonderful, where no problems exist and where, perhaps the mother stays home and cares for the children, where the dad works out and everyone has 2.5 children, where jobs are secure and plentiful.  Often, in these same pie in the sky relationships, the partners attend church services on a regular basis, sing in the choir, give their money to charity, the kids are always healthy and well behaved.  Sounds sort of like the tongue in cheek humor of Garrison Kellior in his Lake Woebegon radio program where the men are tall, the women good looking and the children above average. 

Yet most of us that have been married for any length of time, realize that real life is far from this vision, that in most marriages, there is no perfect life; not that life is bad mind you, but not idealized.  There is no true head of the house, rather,  both partners share equally in the marriage tasks like housework and parenting.  Problems really do exist with jobs and such, and usually in today’s economic climate, both partners work,  there are concerns with education, school violence, and violence, and if people attend church it may not be every Sunday.  In fact many statistics put church attendance way down on the list of priorities on Sunday, that being the only day to be at home together to have any family time, catch up the laundry and shopping if even then.

  Sadder statistics still, are the fact that today one of every three marriages ends in divorce, fifty years ago it was one in every five, and seventy five years ago one in every eight.  The fact that we have so many long-term marriages in this congregation says something for the place of honor marriage has among you. 

After speaking to many people who have been in long term marriages, I have found that there are many secrets to success, such as mutual respect, mutual understanding, acceptance, not taking each other for granted, spending time together, not necessarily always enjoying the same things, being comfortable with each other’s pursuit of their own activities and friends.  Sharing openly and honestly one’s feelings, and while not always calmly, sharing them and then coming together to deal with the hurts and pain that such feelings and reactions to them may have caused.  Respect for the times when each person has need for solitude and space and the times for togetherness.  People ask for things they need, and learn the nuances of one another’s unspoken communications.  They work together, building homes and lives, and coming together for children.  In most long term relationships, couples find time to laugh together and play together, even when the children are gone, and when they are no longer able to be active because of age, they still find time to spend together doing meaningful things. Another secret to a long marriage, and some would say to a happy life is found on the plaque I received for Christmas says “the secret to a happy life is a sense of humor, and a short memory”, and nothing could be more true, we need to be able to laugh at ourselves, and not take life to seriously, and forget those things that are not really important, let go of things, don’t carry around our anger and pain. 

One of the things that makes the calling of ministry so wonderful, is officiating at weddings, and seeing couples of all ages come together bringing their unique personalities and perspectives, and forming something that is wonderful and beautiful  that takes each part of who they are as people to form something separate and apart and wonderful on its own.

As I counsel people who have asked me to officiate at their wedding services, I start out asking about their views of marriage to understand how much of a grasp they have on the level of partnership they have.  I ask them how they resolve differences to see how they are able to communicate with one another.  I will ask them to tell me something important about the other person to see how well they understand the other’s needs.  I try to share with them the realities of the relationship they are about to enter and yet not destroy the joy and beauty of the moment they share.  When we begin to plan the actual ceremony, I let them know that many of these same things will become part of the ceremony itself.  In the service when I have the couple say their vows together, I have them say them together, not husband first and wife second, so that they understand from the beginning that it is an equal partnership, that this new life requires their living and working together, sharing who and what they are, not giving up who and what they are.

I have also found when I talk to these people about marriage, 99% of them understand that there is little room in a marriage for selfishness, narcissism, and grandiose egos, but that the prevailing need is for mutual understanding and respect. 

These things that make a marriage work are the same things that are needed in our relationship with God.  Just as we heard in our scripture lesson from 1 Corinthians, we are given so much in the way of gifts and abilities, things that make us the unique people we are.  And we know in a marriage, when two people come together they bring with them all they are, and all they have, strengths and weaknesses, and so do we in our relationships with God, and with each other in the church.  No one is better, just different, each of us blessed with a special-ness and unique personality, and we bring those things to use for the good of the church.  Since we are talking about partnerships, God, for God’s part brings to us the blessings of who and what we are, our strengths and weaknesses, our talents, our sense of  hope, love and laughter, and grace.  Just as in a marriage relationship it is up to us as well, to reach out and embrace God and all God provides and is, just as we would embrace the beauty of our marriage partner. 

Isaiah was very qualified to compare the relationship of Zion and God to a marriage for he had good understanding of the trials of the marriage himself.  Historical records point that he was married, and while records are not in full agreement it appears that he had two or three children, he and his wife shared in their dedication to God, with both being prophets, supported by the fact that in some texts in the book of Isaiah he refers to her as the prophetess.  He spoke about how God would bless Zion, restoring her, renewing her, challenging her, holding those who professed the faith accountable for their actions or non-actions.  The same things we profess and acknowledge today.   

And just as a marriage is different every day, God continues to challenge us. God builds us up, blesses us, and calls on us to be equal partners in grace, to share in a covenantal relationship with one another, just as God is with us.  God empowers us to serve others and to share the grace with the world. 

In this way we are called to reach out to those around us, to show that Christ light that shines within each of us, we are called on to be peace makers, to nurture and help others find healing.  There is no room within the walls of our church, our faith, or within the confines and spaces of our hearts and minds for selfishness, for the ”I” problems so often associated with modern life.  Yes we do need healthy self esteems, we need to love ourselves enough to love others, but we are called on daily to focus our lives outward.  By focusing outward, focusing on others, focusing on God, focusing on scriptures and on spiritual disciplines like prayer and meditation, we avoid the pesky I problems that can be so destructive.  Just as selfishness in a marriage can damage a marriage beyond reconciliation where it cannot recover, so too can selfishness in the church or in relationship with God. 

It would seem perhaps, that we need to seek the serenity of peace, the silence prayer, the power of love, and the strength of hope in all things, so that the “I” problems, the self perceived need for power and control, the craving of wealth, and the brutality and pain that persists in the world will little by little be eroded. 

Our hope for the future is our willingness to seek peaceful lives, to build a relationship with and trust in the God that loves us, to live in harmony with our environment, to see the beauty of all things and live unselfishly with our brothers and sisters, sharing in the diversity that makes each of us unique and special beings and brings different perspectives and views to the world.   

May it be so.  Amen.